Phy_lia's Xanga

unsaid

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 13:11:46 GMT

i have

so many words and so few
they scratch at my skin from within
weigh me down as stones on ankles
beg for release from the prison of me
course jumbled through green veins
and make a resting place of my heart
but i open my mouth
and not a thing falls through
not a jumbled sentence
not a soaring tumbling why
not an anger-filled mouthful
not an unspoken longing
none
so many words and so few.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 13:25:51 GMT

itsjune26.

ithinkthisisaplaceofmilestones.itseitheranovember23orajanuary1orajune26. althoughithinkthey'renotsomuchmilestonesasdaysjustgoneby.

doyouthinkthereisatimeandseasonforeverything?

doeseverythingrunitscourse?

ithinkthisonehas.
thislookingatacommoncommonblueandhopingforadashofhyacinth
ahintofceruleanundertones
wishingitwasaconcoctionofmidnight
andtheeessenceofcornflowers

imalittlebittired.maybeitsabouttimeitranitscourse.

finding things

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 11:15:52 GMT

have you ever searched? the way you combed the house for that one memento, like the long-forgotten scene in the memory that you impulsively feel had to be brought to the surface. i have searched too, for that one lost hairpin, and for a dog-eared leaf that had been swallowed whole by the book i had been reading. what i really wanted to find, though, was for something that i had never seen, nor touched, nor grown fond of, nor felt. how do you recover something that was never misplaced? i wanted to draw a map, to this place of found things, of things you might want to find, and things you never knew you wanted to find. but where would I begin?

there are many dangers with searching for something you've never seen before, like not knowing whether it'll be blue as a cloudless sky, pretty like a dream, or as ordinary as any other thing that you take for granted. but the scariest thing is when you start looking for it in things that are not. when you think you see a deep hyacinth blue, with cerulean undertones, a concoction of midnight and the essence of cornflowers. but in split-second glimpses, in moments of truths, in instances of self-honesty and sadness, you realise that all it is is a common- such a common, common blue.

on second thoughts, i think i lied. i think this thing that i claimed to never have seen, nor touched, nor grown fond of, nor felt, i've already painted in my dreams. a deep hyacinth blue, with cerulean undertones, a concoction of midnight and the essence of cornflowers, I have painted. such rigid strokes, such sure lines, and impossibly certain slashes. but so seemingly right to me, and necessarily exact, even now, when all there is is a common, common blue.

happy 2009 to me

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 11:07:14 GMT

it's 4 days already, into 2009.
i expected to have produced an inspirational list of what i want to do this year
the person i need to become and things i should achieve
but all i have is an empty page on a notepad
and a realization that the kind of things i thought i needed
may not be what i need after all
and what i thought i didn't care about
seems to be asking for so much weight
maybe this year is not so much a year for ambitions and worldly wants
but maybe this will be a season for finding myself

Monday, December 22, 2008

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 15:34:53 GMT

life is a paradox
how can there be so little, and yet so much, so much and yet so little
how can there be such saddening things, and yet the two good things that keep one on the fence
how is there such pleasant things, and such immense loss
why do fate and unjust reside in the same world
why should one breathe, and eat and live
when tomorrow will be another day of the same questions
my eyes cannot see, and my mind cannot see, and my hands cannot see
how beautiful it could be, the place where bodies are whole, and the eye cannot tear
but one has to believe in those gold-paved streets

i am 23

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 12:11:06 GMT

i always feel nostalgic on my birthdays. i can never believe how another year has passed.

i thought about it, and thought some more. i think that, in all my years here, this one has been better. there has been sadness, but there has been some new beginnings, and change, and crinkly-eyed laughter. most of all, it has been a year of hope. i guess there is reason to celebrate!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 10:46:56 GMT

if i ever get married, i will have this sung at my wedding. if i grow to sing better, i will sing it myself.

Lea Salonga singing two words- I do.

the video is beautiful. even if the husband is a bit of a wuss.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji3bEFoBYtA

if i had a next life, i think i would like to be a musical theatre singer.

lately i want something i shouldn't want. i can have 50 other things but i dont want those 50.

all this blog is is a time capsule- pieces of me over the years, a trunkful of unsent letters to myself.

i hope i will look back and find that everything's worked out for the better.

merry-go-round

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 08:46:52 GMT

due to having been upset for 4 days, i am reasonably slim now hooray. so upset and melebih was I (at my incompetence), that my boss had to repeatedly comfort me, and convince me of my smartness, which i outright refused to believe and resumed sulking. yeah it's quite what-the-hell, and i am a twisted girl

this weekend i glimpsed a different picture of me, to what i've thought
caught sight of a little girl in her mother's lipstick and string of pearls
saw a child dressed in halloween plastic armour, with nothing underneath but
jell-o bones and wispy hair

and i thought
oh god
this is fricking fricking scary
is all i thought

***
sighos, a cheerful smile, for me and I :(( sniff sob
tomorrow i plan to wake up a new woman

tonight

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 11:49:27 GMT

i caught a glimpse of what might be.
this is a dog-eared leaf in my diary, in case i want to remember.

i will be thin

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 12:29:32 GMT

i had a nasty haircut. Now I look quite disgusting, and maybe it's motivation time to lose some weight yay. Because a hot body might be able to take some attention away from a disgusting head.

In remembrance of my previous not-that-great-also big wavy head. Now it's a more layered strange wavy head. Edit: this is before, i shall not show my current grossness.